SELF-INFLICTED WOUNDS

It has been a rough couple of weeks for two of our athletic heroes: New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress and Dallas Stars winger Sean Avery. Both made the headlines for the wrong reasons. Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg while clubbing in New York while Avery shot himself in the mouth with his recent "sloppy seconds" comment captured on TV.
If there is any consolation for Avery, at least he does not have to face a minimum of three years in prison for his detrimental conduct, which is something the controversial Burress could be facing if he's convicted of the weapons charges.
Depending on which report you may have heard or read, Burress was doing the safety dance at 1 a.m. at a nightclub in Manhattan when he popped his Glock inside his pants. Teammate Antonio Pierce panicked and called the New York Giants athletic trainer hoping he can save the day by patching up Burress' gunshot wound with some really good athletic tape. Now, when you are in a club and someone gets shot, shouldn't you be calling your mom? I guess Mom turned off her iPhone. Pierce drove Burress to a nearby hospital, checked him in under the name PlexiGlass and drove to New Jersey to bury the weapon at Giants Stadium. No? OK, maybe that wasn't how it really went down. Also, no truth to the rumor that Nurse Rachet and Dr. McDreamy were involved in the hospital cover-up. Some of the New York media were wondering why the Giants took so long in reporting the incident to the police. I think the main reason for the delay was because Burress and Pierce were still trying to figure out how to explain the whole story to Coach Tom Coughlin without getting busted. It was worth a shot!
As for Avery, his sexually charged soundbite was aimed at his former girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert, who is apparently driving a curved stick between Avery and Calgary Flames Defenseman Dion Phaneuf.
The sexy star of the hit TV show "24" recently ditched the over-the-hill Avery for the younger and more studly Phaneuf. For whatever reason, this union has struck a nerve with Avery as he insinuated that Phaneuf is picking up after his leftovers. Sounds like someone is missing The Girl Next Door...eh!

BARON OF HOLLYWOOD

Baron Davis loves nicknames. He's been known as: B-Diddy....BD....The Beard....Baron of the Hardwood....and, a personal fave, Boom Dizzle. His given name was simply not sufficient enough to pacify the former UCLA and Santa Monica Crossroads stud.
Or, maybe he wears too many hats off the court. When he's not dealing on the basketball court, Davis is making deals as a businessman, producer, manager and part-time actor. B-Diddy has been associated with pop culture icons such as The Game, Jessica Alba, Adam Sandler and Kate Hudson.
Davis' game and his Hollywood persona belongs in Los Angeles. The match made in heaven finally materialized when Davis signed with the Clippers last summer. Davis adds starpower to a star-craving team that is looking to possibly steal some of the spotlight away from Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. OK, maybe the Clippers are not ready to steal the spotlight from the Lakers after a 38-point thumping at Staples Center on opening night.
"One of the big reasons I wanted to come back home was so I could impact the communities of my hometown in a positive way, and I'm excited to do that," Davis wrote on his blog site. "I was trying to wear number 85, in honor of the street I grew up on and where my basketball career was truly started by my grandfather who built my first hoop in our backyard. However, I chose number 1, I've worn it before and feel comfortable in it. "
So far, the Davis-Clippers union is still in the honeymoon stages. But if the Clippers continue to get pounded on the court, this marriage could be headed for a messy divorce.

ALL IS FORGIVEN, LILO

During an interview with "Access Hollywood," actress Lindsay Lohan was asked by Maria Menounos how she felt when Barack Obama won the presidential election. Lohan replied: "It's an amazing feeling, you know. It's our first colored president."
Murmur.
But Lohan's comment should not be taken seriously, just like her acting skills. The NAACP already said that there is no apology needed because of the source. Innocent LiLo means well when she made the "colored president" comment. She's been a big supporter of President-elect Obama and was actually genuinely moved by his speech on Nov. 4. It just shows the awkwardness most people still have on how to address our multi-racial president. It's OK, folks. The minorities of this country understand your problem. We, the minority people, have accepted the fact that the majority of Americans (Democrats and Republicans) are still uncomfortable with the whole notion of having a black man as the President of the United States. Here's the solution. Instead of struggling to find the most politically correct way of addressing our newly elected president, how about just calling him President Barack Obama.

OBAMA SURVIVES McCAIN'S ALL-OUT BLITZ

I have to apologize by bringing politics on this site. Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain played their third and final debate on Wednesday, Oct. 15, at Hofstra University in New York. To stay in the context of this site, I'll use use a football analogy to analyze the presidential gabfest.

McCain, feeling a need to change the tide late in the political game, applied heavy pressure on Obama in the first 30 minutes of the debate and may have occasionally forced the Illinois senator to scramble. But as the debate wore on McCain's hard-charging style slowed and the Arizona senator looked frustrated and exasperated. You could say the 72-year-old war veteran appeared to have run out of foreign oil.

In contrast, Obama stuck to the game plan and weathered all of McCain's attacks like a seasoned veteran. He absorbed some hits early but was able to regain his balance and complete his points. For someone who is supposed to lack experience in this election, Obama showed the American people that he can stand toe-to-toe with the more savvy McCain.

McCain did score points on aggressiveness, a fact not lost on the Republican base. But why did he take so long to go on the attack? Where was this in the first two debates?

Obama may not be everyone's choice to be President of the United States and, for all intents and purposes, he may very well have some serious flaws. But find me a politician who doesn't have flaws. John F. Kennedy was questioned about his youth and lack of experience when he ran for president and I think he answered those questions fairly quickly.

At worst, Obama can't be as bad as George W. Bush. At best, he could be comparable to Bill Clinton. Obama shares the same views most people have when it comes to today's world. His policies on the economy, healthcare and foreign affairs are far more realistic than McCain's. McCain is selling an idea that still does not detach from the government of the last eight years.

Nobody likes to pay taxes. Not even Bill Gates or Warren Buffett. But in order to get this country out of the ditch, those who can afford to pay taxes may have to sacrifice their trip to the Cayman Islands or the Virgin Islands and fork over a few dollars to help the middle class.

McCain claims he won't raise taxes but where is he going to get the money to pay for all his reforms? George W. Bush didn't raise taxes but he borrowed so much money that we now need to come up with new numerical symbol. What comes after trillion?

And how come John McCain can easily pull his campaign out of the state of Michigan but he won't pull out of Iraq? Hmmm. McCain simply refuses to give up on a war that was solely based on an agenda. We can argue day and night about the war in Iraq but the bottom line for me is, the United States of America, the country that stands for freedom and democracy, invaded a country and stripped them of their livelihood. For what? Because Muslims are bad people and they needed to be sent to the principal's office? Because we needed to "let off some nuclear steam" on the heels of 9/11? Whatever the reason may be, it wasn't enough to start a war that has cost this country billions of dollars and thousands of lives.

Somehow I don't think a country the size of Iraq is powerful enough to terrorize a country the size of the United States. It may put a dent on it, but it won't be enough to sink it.

Terrorism is not the one anchor sinking the United States. Two things that are sinking this country are greed and corruption. Not weapons of mass destruction. Not fear of another country attacking us. Not global warming.

Greed and corruption!

Greed destroyed the housing market. Greed killed the financial market and sent the Gordon Gekko's of the world into the unemployment line. Corruption in the government led to the abomination of FEMA. So far, during the George W. Bush administration, we lost two towers in New York, the city of New Orleans and Wall Street. Dude is like the Grim Reaper. Whenever I see him on TV, I punch my hanging chad.

Whoever wins the presidency on Nov. 4, he better bring a large broom to the White House to clean up all the mess. If not, he can always send someone else to do the job for $40.

HOLLYWOOD'S TRUE HUSTLER

Movie stars live forever. All we have to do is pop in a VHS tape or DVD and re-live their best moments.

When I heard that Paul Newman died, I went to my living room and looked for "The Hustler." I consider it one of the best sports movies of all time and probably could argue that it's one of the best movies of all time. The concept of the film has been used repeatedly over the years. Many films based their scripts on "The Hustler."

Fast Eddie Felson and Minnesota Fats could have easily been Bud Fox and Gordon Gekko. It could have been Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso. It could have been Doc Hudson and Lightnight McQueen. It's the classic teacher-and-pupil storyline. The concept is timeless and brilliantly crafted.

The movie had such a lasting impact that Hollywood brought back Fast Eddie in "The Color of Money," which earned Newman an Oscar.

On Saturday afternoon on Sept. 27, I had to watch Newman in "The Hustler" again. I didn't like the feeling of hearing Paul Newman dying at the age of 83 as my last memory of the man who gave me so many unforgettable memories.

Newman was more than just a movie star. He was a humanitarian and a sportsman. He was co-owner of the Newman-Hass Racing team. His last major motion picture was the 2006 animated film "Cars." He was the voice of Doc Hudson. Newman loved cars and it was ironic that "Cars" was his last project.

Newman may have lost his race with life but his contribution to film and entertainment lives on.

PALIN IN COMPARISON

Who is funnier? Tina Fey or Sarah Palin.
It's like choosing between your first born and your youngest child. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on the opening stanza of Saturday Night Live last week was bone-chillingly hilarious. Fey could easily play the vice presidential candidate and would probably do a better job as a politician.
Maybe they should switch places because Palin would be an incredible asset on SNL. Her performance on 20/20 was worthy of an Emmy.
Charles Gibson asked her if she agreed with the Bush Doctrine and she responded, "In what respect, Charlie?"
That was one of the funniest lines ever uttered on national TV. Her delivery was on cue. Her facial expression was priceless. After that, I was thoroughly convinced that Palin can do comedy.
Oh. Wait a minute. That wasn't an act?

REPUBLICANS GO FOR THE LONGSHOT

Desperate times call for desperate messures.

Sen. John McCain and his Republican party called timeout and summoned a gun-carrying, PTA-card holding hockey mom from Alaska ~ who also happens to be a former beauty queen and high school basketball point guard ~ to run for Vice President of the United States of America and change the momentum of the 2008 presidential election.

Say hello to Sarah Palin, a 44-year-old social conservative who has governed the state of Alaska for the past two years and prior to that was mayor of her small town. I guess two years of governing a state with a population the size of San Bernardino County is good enough for McCain and the GOP!

Only time will tell if this huge gamble will pay off. The Republicans needed a little pick-me-up after Sen. Barack Obama got a 10-point boost from the Democratic National Convention in Denver. McCain and his conservative troops are hoping, or praying, that the 18 million or so pro-Hillary Clinton supporters will jump on the Palin snowmobile and ride the Republican express ticket all the way to the White House. Let's just hope, and pray, the 18 million or so Clinton supporters are not shallow enough to fall into this GOP trap of gender politics. Whew! Had to get that off my chest.

Behind The Maverick and The M.I.L.F., the Republicans are putting on a fullcourt press in an attempt to turn things around and hope for a come-from-behind victory on Nov. 4. But what the GOP failed to realize is, Sen. Obama knows a thing or two about handling fullcourt pressure and won't be dropping the ball any time soon.

DANCING WITH NEW STARS

A 350-pound former NFL defensive tackle. A Grammy Award winner. Two Olympians. A daytime soap opera legend. An 82-year-old actress. A "Hannah Montana" star not named Miley Cyrus. A celebrity chef. A comedian. A reality TV star who Paris Hilton teased for having a "cottage cheese" butt. A sexy TV host once married to a famous plastic surgeon and now engaged to former Baywatch lifeguard David Charvet. Another former 'N Sync member not named Justin Timberlake. And the guy who played Stan Gable in "Revenge of the Nerds."

The seventh season of "Dancing with the Stars" begins on Sept. 22 and this new batch of toe-tappers should provide the popular show plenty of interest, intrigue and sass. Kenny Mayne should have a field day on "DanceCenter."

The show announced it will feature Susan Lucci ("All My Children"), Toni Braxton (singer), Maurice Greene (track and field), Misty May-Treanor (beach volleyball), Cloris Leachman ("The Last Picture Show"), Cody Linley ("Hannah Montana"), Warren Sapp (retired NFL lineman), Lance Bass ('N Sync), Brooke Burke (TV host/model/actress), Rocco DiSpirito (celebrity chef), Kim Kardashian ("Keeping up with the Kardashians"), Ted McGinley ("Married with Children" and "Revenge of the Nerds"), Jeffrey Ross (comedian).

Here are 10 predictions for this season:
1) Somebody will hook up. Odds on favorite to do so: Lance Bass and Tony Dovolani.
2) Kim Kardashian will be eliminated by Week 4. In reality, America hates beautiful people. How else can you explain Stacy Keibler's third-place finishi in Season 2? E-Blitz loves you, Stacy.
3) Brooke Burke will thank Garth Fisher, her ex-husband and plastic surgeon, in helping her stay young and fit.
4) Warren Sapp will stun the judges with his great footwork and agility. Not sure why this is such a surprise since all football players have good footwork and agility even for a big man like Sapp. I am looking forward to seeing Sapp and Kardashian do some serious booty shakes in the samba round.
5) Toni Braxton will dance to one of her songs.
6) Carrie Ann Inaba will penalize a couple for doing a lift.
7) Cloris Leachman will struggle with tempo. She's 82 years old!
8) At some point, Bruno will point out that Misty May-Treanor moves as if her feet were stuck on sand. Misty will respond by dumping her partner in favor of her beach volleyball BFF, Kerri Walsh.
9) Susan Lucci will reach the finals but won't win it.
10) A professional athlete will take home the trophy. My money is on Maurice Greene.

LONDON IS CALLING IN 2012

China went to great walls in putting together the perfect Olympic experience and, with a billion gold medals to show for thanks to those 14-year-old gymnasts, the host nation put its best foot forward and is now wearing the glass slipper.

A dream come true indeed for Beijing and all of China.

It started with a spectacular opening ceremonies. It was amazing how they stashed all the not-so-pretty Chinese kids and made them background singers. The night was capped by boosting former Olympian Li Ning up on the Bird's Nest to light up the Olympic Caldron. That was cool, but a 14-year-old Chinese gymnast could have done that. Would have been more impressive had Li Ning performed a triple twist off the roof of the Bird's Nest and nailed the dismount. That would have been a perfect 10.

It ranks in my top five Olympic moments when it comes to opening ceremonies. The other four were: Muhammad Ali shaking up the world and the Olympic torch in the 1996 Atlanta Games. Some Spanish archer, or maybe it was Orlando Bloom, lighting up the Caldron with his bow and arrow in the 1992 Barcelona Games. And who could forget Rafer Johnson running up the L.A. Coliseum steps and jump-starting the 1984 Games in Los Angeles.

Those were all Kodak moments.

But Beijing was recently tabbed as the "Greatest Olympics" ever. Hey, if Bob Costas said so then who are we to dispute that claim. A remarkable feat for a country that had already given us Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Chow Yun-Fat, John Woo, Ziyi Zhang and Bai Ling.

I would hate to be the next host nation to follow this act. But I do have a few suggestions that could help London spice things up in 2012.

[] First, get Lennox Lewis and Leona Lewis to carry the torch into Wembley Stadium. The tabloids would have a field day with this one.

[] Second, ask the Spice Girls to perform on the opening and closing ceremonies. You can't have enough girl power in the Olympics.

[] Third, convince the Spanish men's basketball team to tell fat jokes about Benny Hill.

[] Fourth, have a computer generated image of David Beckham kicking a flaming soccer ball across the stadium and having it land perfectly on top of the Olympic Caldron. Talk about bending the rules!

[] And fifth, have Sir Elton John sing "God Save the Queen" before every gold-medal event.

Actually, why not just have Queen revisit one of their famous anthems before, during and after each event. That would be splendid.

MICHAEL PHELPS IS 'AQUAMAN'

There is one explanation why Michael Phelps is so good in the water. He's part amphibian.
This claim is based on a few questions that remain unanswered. Has anyone seen Phelps out of the water for more than two hours? Didn't think so.
Has anyone seen Phelps' grill? Definitely not human.
Has anyone noticed Phelps' pre-race ritual where he slaps his back three times with the opposite arm like a swordfish eager to get back into the ocean? Very odd.
Has anyone seen the commercial where Phelps is about to dive into a shark-infested pool? Seems he's oblivious to dangerous sea creatures.
All these things point to signs that Phelps is not your average Olympic swimmer.
No human has ever won eight gold medals in one Olympics or set seven world records or win a race by .01 or swim 17 times and seemingly fresh enough to race 17 more times.
And if there is any hint of performance enhancing drugs in Phelps' system, Olympic officials have not been able to detect it.
So, having said all of that, I've concluded that the reasons for Phelps' mind-boggling display of superhuman feat are because:
[] He is the son of Tom Curry, a lighthouse keeper, and Atlanna, a waterbreathing outcast from the lost city of Atlantis.
[] He is able to breathe under water, communicate with sea animals and swim at high speeds.
Michael Phelps is ... AQUAMAN!

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT BRETT

Brett Favre is now a New York Jet.
That's not how Hollywood would have scripted it but it's true. Favre is no longer a member of the Green Bay Packers and will now be wearing the colors of the New York Jets. It's like putting Joe Montana in a Kansas City Chiefs uniform or Jerry Rice wearing Silver and Black for the Raiders. It's wrong.
But right or wrong, it is the way of the NFL. You pour your heart and soul for 17 plus years for one team then once you get old that same team you thought was your BFF will turn its back on you and send some guy named Aaron Rodgers to take your place.
But cheer up, Brett. At least you still have Mary. Remember Mary? The perfect gal pal who almost went to the prom with Ted (not the Packers' GM Ted Thompson) before a certain zipper incident turned the whole town upside down.
Quarterbacks always gets the girl at the end, right?
OK. Maybe that's not how it happened in the movie "There's Something About Mary." As a matter of fact, Ted (Ben Stiller), got the girl (Cameron Diaz) at the end and Favre was left standing at the door with con man Pat Healy (Matt Dillon) and Mary's ex-boyfriend, Woogie (Chris Elliott). Favre would have had a better shot if he had gotten traded to the 49ers because, as I recall, Mary was a Niners fan.
Favre probably feels the weight of the world is on his shoulders now that he's surrounded by the New York media. Note to Brett. That 300-pound dumbbell holding you down is Mary's brother, Warren!

RANKING THE POWER COUPLES

Reality TV and a well-publicized sex tape made Kim Kardashian a Hollywood celebrity. Winning the Heisman Trophy for USC and getting involved in a well-publicized court battle has kept Reggie Bush's name in the spotlight despite a subpar second season in the NFL. Together, Reggie Bush, the football star, and Kim Kardashian, the sexy TV star, form one of the best power couples in the sports/entertainment world. Kardashian was recently spotted at the New Orleans Saints training camp cheering for her favorite Saint doing exactly what Jessica Simpson did last year to Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Distract him.

So which couple generates the most buzz? Jess and Tony? Bush and Kardashian? For every great man is a beautiful woman tugging at his shirt. Here's my top five sports couples:

5) Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian: The BushDashian team is heating up internet sites and gossip magazines. Reports are that the couple is engaged. Let's hope they don't hire Ray J as the videographer.

4) Tony Parker and Eva Longoria: About the only thing worth watching at San Antonio Spurs home games is the site of Eva clapping feverishly for her favorite Spurs point guard, who probably is the only Frenchman living in San Antonio. Mercy! If Tony Longoria-Parker ever gets desperate and breaks off the marriage, Mario Lopez is ready to tango with Eva.

3) Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson: After last year's playoff exit, Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens wept on national TV when asked about his quarterback. Do you think Jess is capable of crying on cue if she was asked about Romo? Hmmm. Not sure. We may get the answer in a few weeks as HBO's newest soap opera "Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Dallas Cowboys" airs this month. Get your popcorn ready!

2) Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen: The Brady Buuuuund...The Brady Buuuuund...Gisele arguably made the best rebound in the history of power couples when she snagged Brady, a three-time Super Bowl champion, after breaking up with Leonardo DiCaprio, who still hasn't won an Oscar. In his defense, Leo is the only crew member of the "Titanic" who still has a film career. Everyone else turned in their vests after 1998.

1) David Beckham and Posh Spice: Ahhh, yes. The royal couple. They set the bar back in 1997 when Posh, aka Victoria Adams, began dating the European soccer star and no couple has been able to challenge their hotness meter since. Their friends include Hollywood A-listers Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith and Sir Elton John. Even though "Becks and Posh" have long left Beckingham Palace, their star power is stronger than ever thanks to the stunning but calculated move from Europe to Los Angeles. Moving to LA-LA land bought Becks and Posh a few more years in the spotlight. Pure genius. Long live the King and Queen of sports and entertainment!